Sermons
Christians & Dating
Series: Christian HomesChristians and Dating
I. Introduction
We are on our second lesson of our series on Christian homes, and we are working our way toward starting a family. Last week we looked at Christian singles, and Lord willing, next week we’ll begin thinking about marriage. In today’s lesson, we’re going to examine the stage of life that, in our culture at least, usually comes between single and married, which is dating.
This topic presents some challenges to us when it comes to studying what the Bible has to say about it, because it appears that our customs and culture are very different from those we read about in the Bible.
And that shouldn’t surprise us, because we can see how quickly things are changing even during our lifetime. Think about how technology has changed dating. There are articles on the internet (!) explaining the rules for texting while dating. One begins with this paragraph:
“Of all the dating dilemmas people come to me with, texting is at the top of the list. I have no doubt that texting etiquette and texting interpretation faux pas have tanked more budding relationships than anyone could actually count!” (Source)
Most of us dated and got married before Facebook and texting even existed. I’m so old, when Sarah and I first met, she contacted me by sending an e-mail! Kids today can’t imagine that.
Well, the point is that “dating,” or whatever you call it, is very culture-driven. The practices and traditions and what’s considered normal and acceptable vary wildly from place to place and time to time. Have you ever heard of the old custom called “bundling”? Back in the 1700’s, both here and in England, if a young man was courting a young woman, he might have to travel quite a ways to come see her, and it might only make sense for him to spend the night. So the young couple would each be bundled, fully clothed, in separate bedding, but would actually spend the night in the same bed, often with a board placed between them. That way they could talk all night.
This practice was frowned upon by some Puritans, and some people blamed it on the rise in premarital pregnancies. So by the early 1800’s, it had died out in all but the most remote rural areas.
But what about dating, or courting, or whatever you want to call it, in the Bible? There aren’t any passages that I can find that describe anything like what we would call dating, but when it comes to how single met and got married, the practices are as unique and different as those we’ve already described.
Here are a few examples.
In Genesis 24, Abraham’s servant had gone back to the homeland to find a wife for his son Isaac. We would call this an arranged marriage. There’s was an extremely short courtship. It sounds as if he married her on the day he met her:
Gen. 24:64-67 And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she dismounted from the camel 65 and said to the servant, “Who is that man, walking in the field to meet us?” The servant said, “It is my master.” So she took her veil and covered herself. 66 And the servant told Isaac all the things that he had done. 67 Then Isaac brought her into the tent of Sarah his mother and took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her.
Two chapters later, Isaac’s son, Jacob, goes back to the homeland in search of a wife. His experience is quite different. As soon as he met Rachel:
Gen. 29:11-12 Then Jacob kissed Rachel and wept aloud. 12 And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father's kinsman, and that he was Rebekah's son, and she ran and told her father.
Did you catch that? Jacob kissed her before he even introduced himself! I don’t recommend that one, guys. Their relationship seems to be off to a rip-roaring start, but actually, Jacob ended up working for seven years for her father before he could marry her.
Gen. 29:20 So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her.
Let me tell you, that is a very romantic story! So Isaac’s courtship lasted about 7 minutes, and his son, Jacob’s lasted 7 years. Probably 99% of the rest of the world would fall somewhere between.
And if you think bundling was strange, go back and read about how Ruth showed her interest in Boaz.
Those customs obviously wouldn’t work today. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn some important principles that do apply. So first we’ll think about the purposes of modern dating, then look at some pro’s and con’s from a Scriptural point of view. Finally, we’ll consider some practical advice.
II. Purposes of dating
Perhaps the first thing I should say is that dating is definitely not required. Some people stay away from it completely. Some don’t have any interest, and others avoid it because of the pitfalls, which we will discuss.
But most people do date, or “go out,” or whatever you want to call it. So let’s begin by asking “why?” What is the point of dating?
Seems to me there are three purposes.
A. Socialize
One reason people date is just to have fun, to socialize. And the boy/girl aspect adds a different dynamic.
At a young age, kids just play with their friends, probably mostly those of the same sex.
We see that Jesus enjoyed socializing with friends at the age of 12. His parents didn’t think it was strange that he wasn’t by their side:
Luke 2:43-44 And when the feast was ended, as they were returning, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. His parents did not know it, 44 but supposing him to be in the group they went a day's journey, but then they began to search for him among their relatives and acquaintances
And beginning around that age, it’s common for boys and girls to begin noticing each other, passing notes, talking on the phone, at ball games, texting, etc.
Then as they get older and become young adults, it’s still fun to ask a girl to go out to eat or to a movie. And there’s nothing wrong with socializing, as long as the activities we are engaged in are wholesome.
B. Find a spouse
Another purpose of dating, at least for some people, is to find a spouse.
Prov. 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.
Sometimes people joke that young ladies go to a Christian university like Florida College to get their Mrs. degree. And there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, it reminds me of Isaac sending Jacob back to the homeland to find a wife from among their people.
But in our day and time, you can’t just walk up to a young lady, kiss her, weep out loud, and then introduce yourself. Dating is a way of spending time with someone you are interested in and attracted to, and finding out more about that person.
The idea is that eventually, for those who want to get married, they will find the “right” person, someone they are compatible with, and go the next step toward getting engaged and then married.
Now, in my opinion, the modern dating process is not very good at matching people up. I almost feel like arranged marriages would be a better way to go. How often do you see some couple and think, “why is she dating that loser?” or “can’t he see that she’s just using him?” And then there are wonderful young people who might be shy or awkward, or for whatever reason not good at dating, but that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be an excellent husband or mother. Conversely, someone can be really good at the dating game, but that doesn’t mean they will be a good spouse.
But there’s not a lot we can do about it. Dating is the way our society works at the moment.
C. Find a boyfriend/girlfriend
Now there’s one other purpose of dating that is a little more questionable. For people who are not looking to get married, maybe because they are too young or perhaps just not interesting in marriage, many are nevertheless looking for a certain level of commitment, which we call having a boyfriend or girlfriend.
In my studying of the Scriptures, I’ve never found a relationship that is comparable to what we call “boyfriend/girlfriend.” In other words, there are lots of relationships that involve affection and love. Family, friends, spiritual family, betrothed (engaged), and married. But the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship status isn’t there, unless you count Samson and Delilah, which is certainly not an encouraging example.
That doesn’t mean that it’s wrong to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But I do think it should raise some caution flags.
III. Dating Dangers
But before we get into the warnings, let’s look at some good things that can come out of dating.
A. Inappropriate goals
Some people use dating as a means to an end, but the end isn’t marriage. Instead they are seeking opportunities to engage in sensual behavior.
People who are not trying to serve the Lord are usually living for the passions of the flesh. Their life is focused on the feel-good, partying lifestyle, and everything that goes along with it, which is basically the works of the flesh.
Gal. 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,
This is the lifestyle of the world, and it’s always been that way.
1 Pet. 4:3 For the time that is past suffices for doing what the Gentiles want to do, living in sensuality, passions, drunkenness, orgies, drinking parties, and lawless idolatry.
Now, I want to say up front that I don’t believe this describes the aim of our young people here. But I know for a fact it is what many of your friends are all about. And sadly, in this case, innocence and naivety can set a dangerous trap. A young man or young lady might be very sweet and friendly, and they may act like the perfect gentlemen, but make no mistake, many of them are interested in, a momentary thrill, a new conquest, a story to brag about.
And they may not appreciate that you don’t have the same goals.
1 Pet. 4:4 With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you
You may have seen in the news recently that Tim Tebow and his girlfriend broke up, and the rumor is that she dumped him because he is saving himself for marriage. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but there are definitely people who aren’t interested in dating someone who doesn’t plan to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin.
B. Premature attachments
But let’s assume that both young people who are dating have the best of intentions. Neither is planning to do anything inappropriate, they just like each other and enjoy each other’s company.
Another danger that I see in dating is a premature attachment. What I mean by that is two people “falling in love” who are in no position or are not intending to follow through on those emotions and get married.
What happens in our culture is the boyfriend/girlfriend phenomenon. The idea of that relationship is that you belong to each other in a sense. You make these commitments and get emotionally attached, but with no prospect of it leading to marriage.
Well, so what? It seems harmless enough, and in some cases it is. But the danger is that even good kids with good intentions, when they get too familiar and close, can find themselves facing serious temptations. It seems that some couples struggle more with this than others.
1 Cor. 7:8-9 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Some relationships might be red hot with passion, which is not a good thing outside of marriage. Paul says, in that case, go ahead and marry. But perhaps the couple is too young, or maybe they know down deep that this isn’t the person they plan to spend the rest of their life with. In that case, the other option is to break off the relationship.
That may sound harsh, but if it is putting you in a position where you struggle to control your passions, it’s the right thing for a Christian young person to do. Your devotion to the Lord must come before any earthly attachments or desires.
2 Tim. 2:22 So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.
1 Thes. 4:3-5 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God
God created us with certain desires, and they have their rightful purpose and place. When it comes to sexual desires, the only rightful relationship for those passions is in marriage.
Someone may be wondering, “what’s okay to do? How far is too far?” The Bible uses a word translated sensuality that has to do with indulging or inflaming the passions. Any behavior that just gets your passions worked up should be saved for marriage. Because otherwise, what is it going to lead to?
IV. Practical advice
Let’s consider some practical advice when it comes to dating. We’ll begin with your feedback, then I’ll add a couple:
A. Audience feedback
From your cards:
1. Stay away from the internet. I assume this is in relation to the many temptations of inappropriate material on the internet. There are also new temptations and pitfalls in the digital age that we never faced before. Texting and sending immodest pictures, etc. Christians must be pure in heart and in what we communicate.
2. Be yourself.
3. Be honest.
4. Communicate.
5. Humble yourself.
6. Be grateful for the single season of life, and think of others.
7. Surround yourself with positive people.
8. Do not let others pressure you into dating or marriage. Everything come to pass in God’s time.
These are all good advice. Thank you for sharing, and I look forward to getting more feedback and suggestions on upcoming lessons.
B. Date the kind of person you would marry
This is really good advice that I’ve heard from others. Date the kind of person you would consider marrying. Even if you don’t marry the person, if you get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your faith in God and who isn’t trying to follow the Lord, where you are spending lots of time together and developing emotional bonds, they will have a huge influence over you.
Paul says “don’t be deceived.”
1 Cor. 15:33 Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.”
The other danger to dating the wrong kinds of people is that you might marry one of them. People almost always marry someone they date, so you never know.
C. Invite them to church
In my opinion, worship services are an excellent dating opportunity. That may seem strange, because obviously that is not the purpose of church. But there are many good things that can come from inviting someone you are interested in to worship with you.
1. They can hear the Gospel.
2. They will see what is important to you.
3. You can’t find a more wholesome activity.
4. It will hopefully open the door for spiritual conversations.
5. You’ll find out a lot about the person and whether you should spend more time together.
V. Conclusion
The bottom line is that customs come and go, and cultures change, but people are people, and Christians today can navigate the modern world of dating by living upright and holy lives, and putting Jesus above all else.
INVITATION
